I am... I just am.

I've been on an extreme emotional roller coaster in the past week or so... Been fighting some internal demons... Getting slapped in the face with how fragile life is... 


I have to admit, I've had a tough couple of weeks of training. Mentally and physically. The physical part came first where my abs got a serious ass-kicking. To the point where it hurt to even breathe. Couldn't do much for a few days because of the pain... soreness I know how to deal with... this was a whole new level of pain. Walking, talking, breathing....everything I did caused a sharp pain in my ab muscles. It's been 8 days since that abs workout and I still feel the tightness. Yoga is helping... a little. 


I also had moments of doubt in the past week of my ability to complete this journey. Wondering if I have the will power, the motivation and the stamina to keep going. These feelings led me to a few days of binge-eating. A lot of junk food... chips, fries, cookies, chocolate, McDonald's and even ice cream! For those of you who know me well... ice cream is not my cup of tea. Fortunately, I got a wake up call. Unfortunately, the wake-up call royally sucked. 


On Friday, a class-mate of mine from high school passed away after a 15-month battle with leukemia. Although it's been a long time since we've had much contact, the news felt like slamming into a concrete wall. She was taken away from her loving boyfriend and family at the young age of 32... Reading her boyfriend's blog about her fight with leukemia made me realize just how fragile life is. We really need to appreciate every minute that we have and to not take anything for granted. Every minute that I had used to wallow in self-doubt was a minute lost in the realization of my goals. Not time wasted... just not time gained. Reading about her fight and the strength that she showed is giving me the motivation to keep going. Rest in peace Electra, you truly are my inspiration. 


I haven't said this in a really long time... but cancer f*&ken sucks! Seeing my grandmother this weekend hard, because now the cancer is visible to the naked eye. The tumors are spreading and growing at an alarmingly fast pace. It's really scary. And it makes me angry that cancer is going to take my po-po away. It makes me frustrated that there is absolutely nothing I can do for her. She told me today that she's proud of me and that I have to keep up the good work. And I will, not just for her, but for every cancer patient, survivor and victim. This is my small contribution to what I can do for the world's fight against cancer. Because cancer f*&ken sucks!


I am exactly where I need to be today, at this very moment. And tomorrow... I will be exactly where I need to be in my mind, body and soul. 


I just need to keep reminding myself of that. 


You too. 


xoxoxox